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Immortal Crashes - Part 1

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Posted 05-03-2012 at 11:09 PM by staygold

This is my "Novel" that I've finally started writing for my creative writing class. This is based on a true story exaggerated by me!


It was mid-day about eleven in the morning. It was as foggy as ever when this old man was about to take off in the middle of no-where in the Utah desert. He didnít have very good vision due to the weather but this old man didnít have anything to do. In his single-engine airplane he took off.
A week later this young looking two-hundred and twelve year old man named Carter Wild just came back to his home from his month vacation to Peru. He was very good looking for his age, in-fact he was every womanís dream. He had the stereotypical short brown hair, brown eyes and a six-pack that still showed and a fashion sense of a gay man.
The scientific community gave him a Nobel Peace Prize for being the oldest man alive. He was very honored by that but also a little embarrassed. The only mystery he doesnít know yet is why he is still living.

Any thoughts or ideas?
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  1. Old Comment
    wicked's Avatar
    "a six-pack that still showed and a fashion sense of a gay man. "
    haha love that line.
    I like it but I don't know where you're heading... Also, i'd love to have that class. o.o
    Posted 05-03-2012 at 11:56 PM by wicked wicked is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Wingless's Avatar
    Well your descriptions aren't bad but the rest of it...could use some work.

    Problem number one is the issue of "show-don't-tell". You're telling us everything without actually "showing" us the characters. I mean that in the way they think and feel. Dialogue or writing someone's thoughts are both good ways of doing this.

    The other issue is the Nobel Peace Prize. Winners of this esteemed award are defined as: "have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses."
    Perhaps try something like the Guiness Book of World Records?
    Posted 05-05-2012 at 11:57 AM by Wingless Wingless is offline
  3. Old Comment
    ocean_crumbles's Avatar
    its okay... but everything is too concrete. let readers assume things for themselves.
    Posted 05-05-2012 at 12:47 PM by ocean_crumbles ocean_crumbles is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Okay - I'll use those, thanks for your help!
    Posted 05-08-2012 at 11:23 PM by staygold staygold is offline
 

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